apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
