there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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