How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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