i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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