at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
