i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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