Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ketchup is God's man juice
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
