In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
