Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
