Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
