i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
