I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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