I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize