He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
