No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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