Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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