dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
