I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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