Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
