If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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