from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The Olympian is in my bed
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
