Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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