and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
