its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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