Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
