They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
