Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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