When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
