i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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