you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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