you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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