Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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