mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
