i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
