I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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