In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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