my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if only i could text you this smell
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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