there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
