so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
