I could make wine with my vomit
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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