Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
