Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
