Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just pee around me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
