Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
