When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
