I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
