Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
there is puke in my bra ... again
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
