Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
