Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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