I love black thongs
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
