Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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