Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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