I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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