I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
